A Sandhog Surfaces, Coughing, From the Wayback Machine

2008 Keith, Pinned in Time

Friends of the Descent,

Please excuse the anemic drip of nourishment we’ve reduced you to these last weeks (months??). Like typing butterflies, we are emerging from our winter chrysalis ready to make 2025 a Year of Remarkable Posting. We’ve also got a new album under our belt (yes, Keith and I share ONE BELT). Without spending any more of the glorious details just yet, let me confirm that — the music at least, the part you will hear — it is done.

Last month we sent out a dusty old piece of promotional literature that I wrote in the early 21st century, and (four) people really seemed to enjoy it. So I asked Keith to see if his assistant could dig up anything along the same lines, and — incredibly, since his assistant is a cat — this week he sent back a couple of dynamite selections, the first of which is presented below without amendment.

- Chris

On the road with…

We Are Scientists

1. What records have you been cranking lately on the tour bus, backstage or before you perform and what's so great about them?

We’ve been barraging our audience with Zombie-Zombie’s A Land For Renegades [spotify/other]. It effectively narcotizes them, leaving us with a room full of blank slates (I’m doing my best to avoid the “zombie” characterization, despite its obvious applicability here). There’s nothing more empowering or energizing than taking the stage before a couple thousand malleable minds. A lot of good psychic work gets done, courtesy of the Zombie-Zombie primer.

2. What's your favorite piece of stage clothing/accoutrement/good luck charm and where did you get it?

Chris keeps a Leprechaun’s eye in a little vial on a chain around his neck. He claims it keeps him safe from harm and sterilizes his semen. What he doesn’t know is that it’s not a Leprechaun’s eye at all: it’s a little piece of quartz I found in the road and sold to him for $750, four years ago. Chris has a two-year-old son.

3. What's the best place to eat on the road?

On the shoulder, of course, as far away from traffic as possible!

Ha ha, that’s just a little joke that Jack White told us once, although there is a kernel of truth there, too. He is corny but wise, Jack White.

4. Do you write music on the road?

We are kept far too busy on the road to ever really get any writing done. Between playing shows, sound-checking, doing the occasional interview, and drinking from 10:00am until whenever unconsciousness claims us, we’re perpetually short on precious time.

5. What's the most inspirational truck stop?

There is one truck stop outside of Norman, Oklahoma that features an expensive display close to its entrance with a placard that says “Smile! If Only For Today, You Are Not A Rat King!” and then it has some photos of rat kings juxtaposed with school portraits of local youths and then a rendering of a scene in which a kid is apparently being overpowered by a rat king and integrated into its mass. It really gives you something to chew on.

6. What city has the best and most responsive crowds?

Cleveland, OH has this one guy who can really scream! He just screams and screams and screams until his voice just quits on him. It’s actually really difficult to gauge the quality of the rest of the Cleveland crowd, because this guy, this screaming guy, is just fantastically, distractingly on point with his screaming.

7. Which venue has the cleanest facilities?

Chris claims that the Metro in Chicago has toilets that “you can positively eat off of them,” but I’ve noticed that Chris is often violently ill for several days following our Chicago shows.

8. More importantly, who provides the best rider?

My mother is Italian, so she is going to kill me if I don’t say that her rider is absolutely the best. To her credit, she always gets us Rose’s sweetened lime juice, which we ask for specifically, rather than the awful lime-flavored syrup cordial stuff that some venues seem to think is an acceptable replacement. It’s not, and my mom knows it.

9. What do you miss most when you're out on tour?

Mostly, I miss my collection of photos of hotel rooms — fourteen bound albums, kept on a shelf in my study. There are nights when I’ll lie awake in my room at, say, the Albuquerque Best Western, tears streaming down my cheeks, wanting nothing more than to gaze at my 3”x 4” matte photo of Room 302 at the Best Western’s Blue Ridge Plaza location.

10. What's the first thing you do when you get home from tour?

Personally, I build a fort out of pillows and blankets and climb inside, staying put until it’s time for the next tour.

In case you think you’d like to have Keith as a boss.