In late 2012, Bruno Mars led off his second studio album, Unorthodox Jukebox, with āLocked Out of Heaven,ā a song about the euphoria of sexual intercourse whose verses tread squarely, if nimbly, on territory popularized decades prior by The Police and The Romantics, before ascending to a chorus that, at least at the time, sounded like something all its own. If that something now strikes us as a down-the-middle pop confection, that is at least in part because of Bruno Mars's devastatingly effective blitzkrieg campaign, culminating a decade ago, to remake radio in his image. When āLocked Out of Heavenā cracked the top ten of Billboardās Hot 100, it was the ninth Mars song to do that since his debut two years prior. It became his fourth number one hit; in 2021 he scored his eighth, and in 2015 he captained, under the aegis of Mark Ronson, āUptown Funk,ā a song as culturally pervasive as Pharrell Williamsās āHappy,ā minus the dreadful hangover.Ā
Now, please enjoy āLocked Out of Heavenā without all the bang-bang noisy drumsā¦
CHRIS: Yowee! Thatās baby-makinā music! Keith, while your voice clearly loves operating in Bruno Marsās airspace (Wikipedia claims that the vocals on this track range from A3 to C5), Iām modestly surprised ā shocked would be too strong a word ā by your decision to ape this tune. I believe it could reasonably be called the most āuncool" entry into the G.A. taxonomy, understanding of course that coolness has as complex and fuzzy a relationship to years and dates as does the horoscope. Itās almost certainly the mostā¦erā¦ ardent. Widening the boundaries of our simian sanctuary is doubtless a good thing, but Iām curious, what drew you to āLocked Out of Heavenā? Ā
KEITH: Well, yeah, youāre not wrong about the fact that Bruno Mars can be a fairly dorky proposition.Ā I very distinctly recall having a conversation with Mark Ronson in maybe 2011 or so in the back bar of Dokebi in Williamsburg where he reported that he was about to go into the studio with Mars.Ā I was pretty soundly unimpressed with that first album ā āGrenade,ā āJust The Way You Are,ā and āTalking To The Moonā continue to ruin any appetite I have when I hear them while grocery shopping. It struck me as a real career misstep for RonnoĀ (reason number like 15 why I should not be Mark Ronsonās manager).Ā Fortunately I kept my bad opinions to myself. Those sessions produced āLocked Out Of Heaven,ā and I became a convert.Ā That chorus. That fuckinā chorus!
Since then, I feel like Bruno Mars has produced music that is occasionally sublime (āFinesseā really works on a guy whose taste in R&B has Bel Biv Devoe as its cornerstone) but is always at the very least professionalĀ (Iāve never listened to an actual Bruno Mars album, so this assessment pertains only to his singles; maybe the album tracks are garbage?). You get the sense that heās a man with immaculate taste and unusually-honed songwriting skill whose primary aim is to get your aunt dancing at weddings. Which, in fact, brings me to the story of how Bruno Mars came to mind in the first place.Ā
Just this last Sunday, my wife and I were having brunch with a young, fashionable couple from the Brooklyn art world whose upcoming wedding weāre going to be missing because the band has tour conflicts (a booking agentās primary job is to secretly learn when band members have must-attend events and then find shows that directly conflict with them). The conversation turned to the topic of their wedding DJ, and the bride-to-be mentioned that she had created a spreadsheet of her non-negotiable āDo Not Playā songs. As a man with skin in this game, I demanded a peek. It was full of the usual suspects.Ā No Pharrell, no Ed Sheeran, and ā much to my surprise ā no Bruno Mars. Now, I totally get the Sheeran and Pharrell embargo; nobody wants to have to pay extra for the post-wedding vomit cleanup.Ā But Bruno Mars? Yeah, the guy is a bit of a cornball, but heās an effective cornball. Iāve never listened to it of my own volition, but if you play āUptown Funkā at a wedding, I will Ā dance to it, and so will children and so will your grandma, if she can dance (if she canāt, she will tap lightly along on the table with a blissed-out expression on her face). Ā I kind of feel like a wedding without a Bruno Mars song is like a We Are Scientists show without āAfter Hours.ā Yeah, itās an obviously choice, but people spent money to be there; give them the real show!
CHRIS: Unbelievable. I recoil from the hubris. To think that you can get married, throw a party, and notĀ play a Bruno Mars songā¦ that sounds very dangerous to me. Greek myth is replete with lessons on the folly of pride.Ā Phaethon, Arachne, Niobe ā your Brooklyn artist friends join an estimable list of those who thought they were too good for Bruno Mars, so to speak. Indeed, their transgression is similar to that of Tantalus, who was much favored by the gods until, dubious of their supposed omniscience, he served a stew made from his own sonās flesh to a banquet hall full of supernaturals that included Zeus ā I guess intending to gross-out prank them without their knowing? Anyway, the gods' mounting disgust as they politely spooned to the bottom of their stew bowls will be mirrored by the wedding guestsā swelling anguish as the evening wares on with nary a Bruno Mars track to break the tension. As with Tantalus, your friends' choice to forgo Mars music on their night of nights is an act of perverse self harm on par with killing one's son in service of a jape.Ā
But hey, itās their party.Ā
On the subject of self harm, we should discuss Bruno Marsās most recent appearance in the news: "Bruno Mars Has Allegedly Racked Up $50 Million In Gambling Debt At MGM.ā Thatās fromĀ a story that appeared two weeks ago on the website Uproxx, which cites a thing calledĀ NewsNation.Ā The claim is that Mars, who has a multi-year residency deal with the Las Vegas MGM chain worth roughly $90 million annually, has lost $50 million gambling at the casino. MGM has denied that this is true, but I find that unpersuasive, and am confused thatĀ some media outletsā are gullibly waving it through. For one thing, MGM has no obligation to speak truthfully on the status of gamblersā accounts ā itās not like asking a drug dealer if theyāre a cop. And if Mars does have a gambling problem, MGM is incentivized to lie about it, for several reasons.Ā First, it gives the residency deal an unpleasant air of indentured servitude, which would probably have a devaluing effect on tickets. Second, it reminds people that gambling is bad, because you can end up owing casinos a life-destroying amount of money.Ā
Exhibit B isĀ this tweetĀ from 2019:
Exhibit C comes from āLocked Out of Heavenāās music video, which Bruno Mars directed himself. The whole video takes place in a club where Mars and his band are playing live to a bunch of sexy sweaty people, exceptĀ for a section during the second verse when Bruno and his boys are seen hanging out in the street gambling at dice:
More than a predilection, for Bruno Mars gambling is a consuming passion, one that gives his life shape and meaning. Now that he has the kind of draw that will let him play wherever he wants whenever he wants, I doubt heāll ever spend much time away from Vegas again.Ā
Silk Sonic, the band Mars co-headlines with Anderson .Paak, and the only project with which heās affiliated outside of his solo career, begins a residency at The Park MGM Las Vegas in May that runs all summer. š¤
KEITH: I think thereās another, more generous way to frame the MGM Grandās plan to rope Mars into this vicious cycle of āperform for millions/lose millions on gambling/perform for millions/loss millions on gambling.ā Youāve noted that Bruno Mars is famed for his, uh, āenthusiasmā for games of chance. Heās been playing for years, canāt stop video shoots when they conflict with alleyway dice games etc. Well, his being down $50M *with MGM alone* suggests more than just a run of bad luck. The guy seems like a lousy gambler. He doesnāt know how to calculate odds, how to quit while heās ahead ā shit, he might not even know the *rules* of some of these games heās playing. In any case, Iām willing to bet that heās been leaving hefty IOUs around half the casinos in Vegas. And while some of these more unsympathetic joints like Circus Circus are gonna have unsavory means of promoting settlement (could frequent black eyes be the explanation for Brunoās unfortunate tendency to wear extravagant sunglasses indoors?), the MGM Grand has given him a much more palatable option: to make the money back doing what he loves most (after gambling). Itās a win/win.
Iām heartened by the news that Silk Sonic is taking the residency over in short order. Surely, that must suggest that Mars is making some good ground on his debt, because that change has got to mean a substantial decrease in his personal earnings ā not only does he have to split the net proceeds with Anderson .Paak. (sic), but frankly SilkSonic, despite their multiple Grammys and critical acclaim, aināt no Bruno Mars. They have the one song, which is a fine and very popular song, with over a billion Spotify streams, but a billion Spotify steams is *standard* for Mars. He has more songs with over a billion plays than he has teeth, sadly. Surely, tickets sales for Silk Sonicās residency will be lower, prices will be bargain-basement, seats will be given away to anyone who spends $50 at the MGM Grand Starbucks, etc.Ā
My point is, maybe this Silk Sonic thing is like the groundhogās shadow: it portends an approaching end to the great Martian financial nightmare.
CHRIS: Thatās a charitable read, Keith, but the facts paint a picture decidedly more bleak. Itās not that Bruno Mars has decided to ease himself into the relative comfort of a less hefty residency that his pal Anderson .Paak can help shoulder. No, he has undertaken the less hefty residency in addition toĀ re-upping his contract with MGM for more Bruno Mars shows. Your boy Bruno has a busy summer! After Silk Sonic plays the MGM Park through the whole month of May, Mars assumes solo control of the theater in June. July is empty on the official band calendar, which I take to mean Mars will spend thirty days manically shuttling from private gig to high stakes poker table to private gig. Silk Sonic is back at the Park in August, wrapping up their residency on August 19th ā Bruno Mars wonāt bother packing up his guitar, though, because he starts his subsequent run of solo shows on August 20th.Ā
Iām not sure this is a guy relaxing into financial stability. I see āfrantic.ā I see āhow much do you think I can get for this leopard vest on eBay?āĀ
KEITH: Good god, thatās grim.Ā Iām assuming that Bruno Mars wasnāt referring to the Park Theater at the MGM Grand when he declared in āLocked Out Of Heavenāās bridge that he longed to āstay here/spend the rest of my days here.ā
Speaking of rueful word choice, can we talk about the pre-chorus? The godawful line āyour sex takes me to paradiseā kinda made me regret having chosen to cover the song, even as I sang it. Who talks like that? Who describes sex with someone as āyour sex?ā Is that a thing anyone says in real life? Ā Because knuckleheads are always using that construction in songs. āYour sex is on fire,ā Caleb Followill said, with a straight face. Even a songwriter of George Michaelās unimpeachable prowess fell into this verbal tarpit with āI Want Your Sex.ā What gives? Ā Itās simultaneously grotesquely lascivious and prudish. āI heard that Jeff had your sex the other day. You two getting married now, or what?ā
Chris, have you, after a night of especially-satisfying coupling, ever turned to your partner and crowed, āThanks for your sex. Itās was great stuff, your sex was.ā Admit it now.
Also I truly loathe that he says that his partnerās sex takes him to paradise āand it shows.ā I donāt even wanna know how itās showing, what part of him is showing it so obviously.
CHRIS: Youāre right, thatās a deeply awkward turn of phrase, and its popularity in song is mystifying. The only incitement I see reality offering these songwriters is āthe sex,ā as in, āThatās great that you two share the same taste in Jack Johnson, but howās the sex? Surely not great!āĀ
My personal approach, to answer your question, is to avoid any discussion at all of the/your/that sex. Some things should never be spoken of, Keith! Even in whispers! I find āLocked Out of Heaven,ā to be perfectly frank, nauseating at a lyrical level. Yes, okay, sometimes itāsĀ fine to write or sing about sex, but the lack of urbanity on display here kinda makes me wonder if Bruno Mars, when he wrote it, was in the early days of his first sexual relationship. Is that totally improbable? I mean he had been very famous for a little over a year, so you have to imagine he had been subject to numerous overtures, but maybe the guy was shy? Hereās a conversation I imagine happening in the studio when they were working on āLocked Out of Heavenā:
Bruno Mars ā Okay, everybody. Check this outā¦ [reads the lyrics to āLocked Out of Heavenā aloud]
One of the 7 other guys who worked on the song ā āOh, so you finally got laid, huh, Bruno?ā
Bruno Mars ā [hysterical laughter]
Songwriter 4 ā āMy guy!ā
Songwriter 2 ā āLetās gooooo!ā
Producer 3 ā āCongrats B-Man!ā
Bruno Mars ā [continues to giggle uncontrollably]
It also just occurred to me that weāre posting this cover on Easter Sunday, which lends the lyrics special repugnance. Or maybe the resulting satirical emphasis is just what this song needs to ratchet its sophistication score past āteenage"?Ā
KEITH: Well, yeah. I guess in that case, the song is actually perfect for a wedding ā to be played just before the bride and groom both have sex for the very first time.Ā
For you to answer in the Commentsā¦
What songs would you (or did you) forbid your wedding DJ to play?
Can you think of any top ten hits with lyrics more prurient than āLocked Out of Heavenāās?
How much gambling debt do you figure Bruno Mars is carrying right now? (Include all debts, whether personal or owed to institutions like casinos and bookies.)
May you successfully budge any boulders blocking the entrance to your cave.
š,
Chris(t) & Ke(nn)ith
This has been one of my favourite reads in ages and a great cover as always. The phrase āthe great Martian financial nightmareā was a particular stand out and I think I will be eternally perturbed as to how and what exactly it is Bruno Mars is āshowingā in that song!
I have never been a massive fan of Bruno Mars although I do have a soft spot for āWhen I Was Your Manā and it has never occurred to me to ban his songs from a disco. I did specify that The Spice Girlsā āWannabeā and āLove Shackā by The B-52s were not to be played at my 40th birthday party though. For different reasons they both do my head in.
Lyrically, I agree that āLocked Out of Heavenā is pretty icky but I would put forward āI Touch Myselfā by Divinyls as being equally prurient at least. As songs go, itās pretty cringe!
Thanks for this. Itās been exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.
1. (Iāve had) The Time of My Life and also anything Beyonce was involved in, I just donāt get the hype about her. The DJ just about managed not to play these, although he also managed not to play anything we requested. 14 years later and Iām still livid about him finishing the night on Angels (Robbie Williams) š¤£.
Incidentally, I walked down the aisle to the WAS version of Hoppipolla š©·
2. Crowded House, first verse of Fall at Your Feet. Gives me the ick.
3. I feel like heās had a big win since and paid it all back, theyāve just stayed quiet as itās bad publicity.