North America Will Host Our Stage Show

🎻🕺🏼👯‍♂️🪩😵‍💫

Here it is, the North American LOBES tour you’ve been longing and hoping for ever since God planted the idea in your mind months and months ago during a dream about 8-foot-tall rabbits who need laser eye surgery and you’re the only one who can give it to them but your hands are TOO, TOO HEAVY!

As you can see, it’s one hell of a great tour. It’s so good and balanced that we almost don’t want to actually do it, you know? Because once we do it, it’s done! It’s over! Whereas right now it exists in that flawless state of expectation, like a crystal model hovering above us, glimmering all crazy and radiating HEAT 🥵. Lord, what resources were sucked from the universe’s hidden core in order to render this tour animate?? That is an awful question to which only Mike Mori, our booking agent, knows the answer, and it’s one we pray stays buried in the darkest sub-basement at the Creative Artist Agency, next to a mummy’s head and John Wayne’s boots.

Nothing is more real than this tour, and that means you’ll need tickets. You won’t get them today, however, because they aren’t yet on sale. We wanted to give you 48 hours to figure out which shows you’d like to attend — check how many vacation days you have at work, ask your Tesla dealer how far your car can go, and tell your banker he’ll need to watch your dogs for a few days. So on Friday at 10 a.m., the computers will start selling tix. If you want one, you can go right to the club’s webpage by typing in the URL from memory, or you can find links on our website. Please do not buy from a child a ticket that has been drawn in crayon! It is most likely fake!

Coming up in this newspaper: a reader-requested cover song; a chat about our current UK/IE tour; news of our latest foray into celebrity internet culture; and an oral history of the time we toured with Neil Young. 💥

From the back seat of a van somewhere on the M62,

Keith Murphy & Chris Carne